The Adventures of Marrk Shepard
by The Irishman in Black
Summary: What happens when you rewrite the Mass Effect series with an insane Shepard while you're sleep deprived and sugar-high? Let's find out.


Chapter 1: Fuck You, I'm Marrk Shepard

Marrk Shepard was not a beautiful man. His hair was messy and oily, his facial hair could be classified as a "chin curtain", he had very pudgy cheeks, and even though his magnificent green eyes twinkled perfectly no matter where he was, the illusion was shattered because of how far apart they were. A scar started on his neck went up and over his chin, went up but veered away from his horrendous nose and crossed over his lack-of-cheekbone to his ear where it finally stopped. No, he was not a beautiful man.

Marrk Shepard's backstory was equally disturbing. It seemed wherever he went, people died. When he was sixteen, his colony on Mindoir was raided by Batarians. After he joined an Alliance patrol, they all died when he went to Akuze and got attacked by what he describes as "a big-ass worm alien". Somehow, he still survived. It was at this time that the Alliance dedicated their best soldier, David Anderson, to watch after this uh… individual… and make sure he didn't break the universe.

"Is that the kind of person we _want_ protecting the galaxy?" Ambassador Udina asked David Anderson and Admiral Hackett.

"Fuck no, but we're kind of out of options," Anderson replied.

"What about that bright young soldier, Jenkins?" Hackett suggested.

"Well, at this point I'd be willing to put my faith in Joker more so than Shepard," Udina added.

"I actually agree with Hackett on this one. Jenkins may be our last and best hope for survival," Anderson decided.

"Then so be it. I'll submit Jenkins to become a Spectre immediately. Godspeed, Anderson."

* * *

Shepard was staring out the window into the vast expanse of space. Were one to observe him, one could see that he was clearly lost in thought.

"Andersooonnnnn! You said the space whale would come right by this space window! I haven't seen a space whale yet!" Marrk called out from his post.

"Just keep looking, Shepard! I'm sure it's out there somewhere!" Anderson called from the other room. He turned back to Nihlus.

"He'll be here any second, Nihlus. My recommendation to the Spectres. I promise you, he'll be worth it," Anderson promised. Chakwas poked her head into the room.

"Anderson, I need you. Jenkins is very… umm… well come and see for yourself," she explained. Anderson left the room, leaving Nihlus alone to ponder the coming mission…

"Holy crap! This room is _enormous_!" Marrk proclaimed as he entered the same room.

"Ah, you must be the Spectre recommendation Anderson was talking about," Nihlus greeted.

"Hey, I'm not a ghost!"

"No, a Spectre. Special Tactics and Recon. Anderson _did_ tell you, didn't he?"

Marrk gave him a blank stare.

"You know, the highly trained soldiers that the council employs. Basically allows you to do whatever you want," Nihlus explained. The gears turned in Marrk's head.

"Yes! I am. Now let me tell you, Nihilist, I am perfectly ready to do whatever it takes to join the Spectacles."

"Spectre."  
"Specpurr."

"Spec-tre."

"Speck of turn."

"Well, doing whatever it takes is exactly what we're looking for. I hope you don't disappoint," Nihlus continued anyway. Anderson entered with Jenkins right behind him.

"Sorry for the wait. Here he is, humanity's best hope," Anderson introduced.

"Don't worry, Anderson, I've already met… what was your name again?"

"Marrk Shepard," Marrk quickly said.

"Ah, yes, Marrk Shepard. I'll send the name over to the official database now," Nihlus said, tapping his name into his Omni-Tool.

"Marrk with two "r"s. Yeah, like that," Marrk instructed.

"No! My god, what have you done!" Anderson shouted as he dashed over to them.

"What? The only flaw I've seen in him thus far is that he can't say the word Spectre," Nihlus said.

"Nihlus, you have to retract that recommendation. The fate of the universe is at stake!" Anderson shouted.

"Why? I see no reason to-" Nihlus looked over Anderson's shoulder and saw Marrk holding a gun to Jenkins' head.

"Am I a Spectre now?" Marrk asked.

"No," Jenkins replied shakily.

"Am I Spectre now?"

"No!"

"How 'bout now?"

"Jesus fuck no!"

"I heard yes!"

"Shepard, no!" Anderson called out, pushing the gun aside.

"Man, I never get to kill no Jenkins…" Shepard grumbled, waddling over to a chair and sitting.

"I… can see he's a little trigger happy… perhaps I should withdraw the recommendation. But I won't be able to withdraw it until I return to the Council Room," Nihlus exposited.

"Oh well, this mission shouldn't take too long anyway, it's just a simple pickup," Anderson sighed.

"Hold on, what's that noise?" Nihlus pointed out.

"Oh, that's just Jenkins having a breakdown," Anderson explained.

"No no, not that, that other noise, the beeping one," Nihlus replied.

"The communicator! Something's happening on Eden Prime," Anderson announced, opening the video feed. What followed was images of soldiers fighting on the ground. Above them was a large flagship like none they had ever seen.

"Oh… my… god… it's… A SPACE WHALE!" Marrk screamed as he ran out of the room

"Will… uhh… he be a problem?" Nihlus asked.

"Just use him as a meat shield, it's fine," Anderson reasoned.

* * *

Kaidan, Jenkins, Marrk and Nihlus got armored up and dropped onto the planet.

"It smells like smoke and death," Kaidan said all gravelly-like.

"That's quite the gravelly voice you got there, Kaidan. Reminds me of Tobin Bell," Marrk noted.

"Oh my god, I love Tobin Bell!" Kaidan announced.

"You too? Tobin Bell is like my second favorite actor, next to Tom Cruise of course," Marrk replied.

"I've always liked Tom Hanks, but Cruise is good too," Kaidan agreed.

"What kind of movie fan are you? Nothing can beat the Cruise!"

"Hey, Shepard… you wanna get a drink later? We can talk about actors and stuff," Kaidan offered.

"Yeah sure, but hold on, you got a piece of smoke and death on your face here…" Marrk noticed, reaching over and wiping it away. Their eyes met. A saxophone started playing somewhere.

"Nihlus! You're supposed to be scouting!" Marrk shouted.

"Sorry…" Nihlus murmured, dropping the saxophone and running ahead.

"Umm… what just happened?" Kaidan gravelled.

"Oh, you know, Mass Effect Romance," Marrk explained.

"What?"

"Oh, you know, social links."

"What?"

"Oh, you know, the Sims."

"Oh…" Kaidan said, still confused.

"Ah, dammit, Jenkins is dead. Damn you, spontaneous human combustion!" Marrk shouted to the heavens. After five minutes of him shaking his fist at the sky, he turned to Kaidan.

"Alright, let's go."

As they moved ahead, a bunch of robots ambushed them.

"Oh my good! Mass-produced Evas!" Marrk shouted.

"Aren't these the Geth?"

"Evas!"

"...Yeah, okay, why not?"

Then Ashley fell out of the sky.

"Oh, who are you?" Marrk asked.

"My name is Ashley Williams, sir. I'm a space racist," she introduced.

"How DARE you! I will have you know that humans of ALL colors and creeds are welcome on this team!"

"Well, I was just talking about aliens," Ashley clarified.

"Oh, well that's fine. Welcome aboard!" Marrk greeted.

"Oh, you're a ship captain?"

"...Not yet, but I'll get there, it's probably right after I become a Spectre."

"Wait, you're going to be a Spectre? I thought that was Jenkins…" Kaidan murmured.

"Oh right. Ashley, this is Jenkins," Marrk introduced, lifting up his dead body.

"What the hell?" Ashley shouted, taking a step back.

"Don't worry, he doesn't bite," Marrk comforted.

"Uh, commander… what happened to his face?" Kaidan asked. Marrk shrugged as he swallowed.

"By the way, how did you kill all the Geth?" Ashley asked.

"Simple. See this thing? It's called a gun. What you do is point it at their head and tilt it to the side and say 'I'm about to pop a cap in yo-'"

"No, I know all that, but I was doing that with my gun. How did you do it?"

"Fuck you, that's how," Marrk explained.

"Well that was… unnecessarily rude," Ashley said.

"I don't like your attitude, Williams."  
"What? You were the one-"

Marrk slapped her.

"Don't talk back to your commanding officer!" Marrk shouted as if there were marbles in your mouth.

"Shepard, please stop eating Jenkins," Kaidan pleaded. Marrk spat out Jenkin's ear.

"Alright, but only because it's you, Kaidan."

"Sh-shepard… I didn't know I meant anything to you…"

"Of course you do, Kaidan. Who else is going to shine my guns?" Marrk replied. Their eyes met once again. A saxophone started playing somewhere.

"Nihlus! Do your goddamn job!" Marrk shouted.

"Sorry…" Nihlus apologized, running off.

"So… are we gonna go do the thing we were sent to do?" Ashley Williams asked.

"You're right, Ashy Bill! Let's go whaling!" Marrk said resolutely, pulling out a harpoon and running at the flagship on the horizon.

"Is your commander… okay in the head?" Ashley asked.

"No, but that's what makes him fun," Kaidan replied, following after Marrk.

Marrk ran up a hill and threw the harpoon. It fell a few miles short and impaled Nihlus.

"Caught one! Ah crap."

"What happened?" Kaidan asked, running up next to him.

"Oh… uh… that turian down there. Impaled Nihlus with my harpoon," Marrk explained, pointing at Saren, who was standing not far away from Nihlus. Marrk slid down the hill and drew his pistol, pointing it at Saren and tilting it to the side.

"I'm about to pop a cap in yo white ass, muthafucka!" Marrk shouted. Saren turned around.

"O hai Marrk," Saren said as he turned around.

"How do you know my name?"

"O iz a very interesting story, wen I first move to Citadel I hat 2000 credits I coodn't spend an I wuz werking as busboy and yu were jus sitting, drinking yur Ryncol and sure so byootiful and I say hai to hair an thaz how we met," Saren explained.

"Why did you kill Nihlus?" Kaidan asked.

"I did naught kill him, it iz not troo, das bowlshet, I did naaaught," Saren groaned.

"We have to get to the space whale, and you can't stop us if my name isn't Spectre Marrk Shepard. No wait, Spectre Commander Marrk Shepard."

"Shepard…"

"No no no, Spectre Mister Doctor Professor Super Kami Guru Commander Marrk Shepard," Marrk revised.

"Shepard! He's gone," Ashley interrupted.

"Damn it! He's fast…" Marrk cursed.

"Not really, I mean, we can still see him from here," Ashley commented.

"We'll have to tell the council that he's betrayed them."

"It looks like he's just sort of waddling… like a penguin."

"But we have to see if we can get to the Space Whale before he does!"

"It looks like he's setting up a bomb with all those Geth."

"Onward!" Marrk shouted, walking over to the harpoon stuck through Nihlus.

"No no wait, I'm still alive, I'm still ali-AAAAIIIIIEEEEEEE!" Nihlus shouted as Mark pulled the harpoon from his chest, ripping out several of his organs.

"Let's go avenge Nihlus' death and get that Space Whale!" Marrk shouted.

"You… fucking… psychopath… eeecccchhhh…" Nihlus choked out as he expired… and perspired. In that order. Marrk ran off, holding the harpoon aloft.

"For Tom Cruise!" he shouted his battlecry. Ashley and Kaidan looked at each other and both decided that it was probably best to let him get shot. As Marrk ran over another hill, he saw the Geth setting up bombs. He readied his harpoon and speared all five bombs onto it before throwing the harpoon at the Space Whale. It fell several miles short and blew up the Prothean beacon. A piece of it flew through the air and smacked Marrk in the head, knocking him out.

* * *

Marrk had a dream. Space Whales everywhere. Spreading, multiplying. One of them was screaming really weirdly. An orbital saw was going for some reason. There was a building, I think. Someone kept on screaming "We have to go back! BACCCKKK!" And then, Pee Wee Herman was sitting there in a dark room. He held up a picture of a Space Whale. "This is a Reaper. It's not glamorous, or cool, or kid stuff. They're the most dangerous kind of machine, and they'll kill you. It's really bad, because no one knows how many there are. Every time you see one, you risk indoctrination. It isn't worth it. Look, everyone wants to live, but fighting Reapers isn't just hard, it's crazy hard. Don't ever give up. The Reapers are Creepers."

* * *

Marrk woke with a start. He was back on the Normandy. Ashley and Chakwas were standing over him.

"The fuck are you guys doing here, I don't even like you guys," Marrk grumbled as he sat up.

"You gave us quite the scare there, Shepard," Chakwas said.

"Look, Duck, can I call you Duck? You just look like a Duck to me," Marrk said, wobbling around.

"Shepard, be careful, you're still drugged up on painkillers," Ashley warned.

"And I am a Doctor I'd much prefer you call me-" Chakwas began.

"Quack."

"Um… excuse me?"

"Quaaaaaaack. Like a duck. You know. Quack."

Anderson entered the room. "Chakwas, Williams, out. Now," Anderson ordered. After Ashley and Chakwas left, Anderson walked over to Marrk.

"Hi, daddy! Just remember, Reapers are Creepers!"

"Marrk, you've got to tell me what happened, no matter how many drugs you're on!"

"I didn't do ANY drugs. I promised Pee Wee Herman and I don't wanna let Peewee down."

"Marrk, how many times have you promised Peewee stuff in the past?"

Marrk started counting on his fingers. He got to four before Anderson slapped them out of the way.

"I don't actually _care_ how many times you've promised, I just want to know what happened!" Anderson persisted.

"Oh good, I don't think I could count them all in my current state…" Marrk reported, looking down at his hand. Then, he saw his other hand and lifted it up.

"Oh wait. I _do_ have a second hand."  
"Shepard! Focus!" Anderson ordered.

"Right right. A Tommy Wiseau turian killed Nihilist turian with my harpoon and then he stole a Space Whale and flew into the sky," Marrk concluded.

"I don't know what surprised me more. That you just said all that or I actually understood what the hell you were talking about. So, Saren did it, eh?"  
"That's a fact, jack," Marrk confirmed, falling off his medical table.

"I thought I'd seen the last of Saren 20 years ago…" Anderson reminisced, shivering a little, "Anyway, we best be getting back to the Council to tell them what's happened."

* * *

It wasn't long before the Normandy returned to the Citadel, and it wasn't long after that that C-Sec stopped them.

"Dutifully: license and registration, please," the elcor traffic cop requested.

"Is there a problem, officer?" Anderson asked.

"Firmly: license and registration, please," the elcor traffic cop repeated. Anderson pulled out a few pieces of paper and handed them to him.

"Now, is there a problem, officer?" Anderson asked.

"Informatively: you have a dead Jenkins strapped to your bumper."

"Goddammit, Shepard!" Anderson shouted back at him.

"What? He likes it there!"

"I'm really sorry, officer, I'll take care of it," Anderson declared.

"Humbly: I'm being nicer than I should be. I won't write you a ticket this time. There's a morgue around the corner. Get him checked out. Be more careful next time," the elcor traffic cop explained.

"Thank you, officer. It won't happen again, I promise."

"Dutifully: It happens to the best of us. But next time I catch you with a dead Jenkins strapped to your bumper, I'm taking you in."

"Noted, officer. Have a good day," Anderson bid farewell.

"Courteously: And you as wel- Annoyed: Please stop trying to ride me," the elcor traffic cop rumbled as Marrk started to climb onto his back.

"Shepard! For God's sake, I can't take you anywhere!" Anderson scolded, grabbing Marrk by the collar and dragging him along.

And then, Garrus exploded into the scene.

"Commander Shepard, Garrus Vakarian. I was in charge of the investigations into Saren," Garrus introduced.

"Find anything useful?" Shepard asked.

"He's a Spectre. Most of his activities are classified. I couldn't find anything solid-"

"Damn! If only he wasn't a ghost…"

"Um… Spectre."

"Oh right, one of the Special Churros… man, I could go for a churro right now…"

"Uh… right, so do you have anyone intelligent I can talk to?" Garrus asked, looking behind him.

"Well, I am a Doctor Professor Super Kami Guru."

"Fantastic. Anderson! I need to speak with you-"

"Can't. Trying to get through today with as little pain possible. Talk later."

* * *

The council greeted Shepard, Anderson, and Udina as they also called up Saren on the hologram that they just have. Because it really was important for them to be able to have a giant hologram of whoever was speaking. Our tax dollars at work.

"C-Sec turned up nothing in their investigations into Saren," the turian councilor informed.

"Hold it! An eyewitness saw him kill Nihlus in cold blood!" Udina debated, readjusting what he called his "council hat". It was just a rubber replication of Phoenix Wright's hair.

"Yes, about your eyewitness… he's clearly insane."

"How dare y-"

"Hey, do any of you guys know why this outlet isn't working?" Marrk asked from the other side of the room as he continued to shank a hanar with an electrical plug.

"Alright, objection withdrawn."

"Yoo arr lie-ing, I never keel hem! YU AHR TARING MEH APART, COUNCEL!" Saren interrupted.

"Okay, I'm going to end this meeting before this devolves into any more insanity," the turian councilor said quickly, dismissing everyone. He took a deep breath.

"I'm going to need a shower and few shots of Ryncol…" the turian councilor groaned.

"Er… that'll kill you," the asari councilor warned.

"I know… Believe me, I know…"

* * *

"If only we had something to prove Saren's connection to the Geth…" Anderson growled.

"Evas."

"Marrk, you're going to have to stop pretending to be insane eventually."

"I'm completely sane!"

"Shepard, you just stabbed a hanar to death with an electrical plug," Udina pointed out.

"That was just a jellyfish, no one cared about it, I did the world a favor," Marrk defended himself.

"Several people were trying to stop you."

"Oh yeah? And where are these people now?"

"Arresting you. They were all C-Sec officers."

Marrk looked down at his chain-riddled body. C-Sec started to pull him along.

"Oh. Well that's just typical. Murder one hanar, and you're a criminal. Listen, I've murdered _hundreds_ of humans, both friend and foe! Where were you guys on _that_ one? You guys are racist you hear me? You're a bunch of racists, you damn dirty apes!"

"We're birds," one of them replied.

"Even worse! Stop pooping on all our great statues, you assholes!"

"Can we just shoot this guy?"

Marrk saw Garrus down the hallway.

"Garrus. Garrus! Remember me!?" Marrk shouted across the way. Garrus tried to avoid eye contact. He accidentally glanced over for half a second, and the guards noticed.

"Look, Vakarian seems to know him. He _must_ be a nice guy. Mistaken identity. Happens all the time. We are just birds after all," the guards reasoned. They unchained Marrk and sent him to Garrus. One of the guards looked at them.

"Guys, he was clearly being a racist to us back there."

"Well maybe if we stopped pooping on all their nice statues, they'd respect us more."

"But there's nothing else _to do_!"

Marrk wandered over to Garrus, who was still trying to avoid contact.

"Garrus! You saved me!"

 _Just keep looking forward, Vakarian. He's just like a child, if you ignore him long enough, he'll go away,_ Garrus thought.

"That was so awesome how you jumped over there and punched that one guy and shot the other and then used your mind control powers to make those other guys jump off the Citadel-"

"Okay, I'm going to stop you right there. First of all, I can't mind control people. Second of all, you can't jump off the Citadel, it's impossible. Third, finally, and most importantly, leave me alone."

"Listen, Garebear. Can I call you Garebear?"

"No. Leave me alone."

"Garebear, I feel like we share a special bond!"

"We don't. Leave me alone."

"But what am I supposed to do?"

"I don't care, go do whatever."

"Wow! That's _way_ more freedom than what Anderson gives me! You're my new daddy!"

"Please never say those words again."

* * *

Despite Garrus' pleas, Marrk followed him all the way back to C-Sec. Garrus tried everything to get rid of him. Pepper spray, shooting him, making an annoying buzzing sound. Nothing worked. Nothing at all…

Then, Wrex tore through the wall next to them.

"Urdnot Wrex! I've heard of you! Please, I need you to get rid of someone for me," Garrus proposed, trying to kick Marrk off of his ankle.

"Can't. I need to find a man named Fist and hit him… with my fist," Wrex replied.

"Umm… what else would you hit him-"

Wrex headbutted Garrus.

"Ergg… point… taken…" Garrus grunted as he stood up again. Wrex pushed past them.

"Wait, wait, wait! I'll pay you, _and_ I'll help you take care of this Fist guy, deal?"

"Free labor? Hell yes. Fist is holed up in Chora's Den, follow me," Wrex agreed, hoisting Garrus in one hand and Marrk in the other. He then jumped off the Citadel.

"What?! How the hell is this possible?!" Garrus shouted.

"BECAUSE HE'S URDNOT WREX! SPACE WHAAAAAAAAAALLLLE!" Marrk explained as they fell. Wrex started laughing.

"Well, someone's having fun," Wrex announced. They landed in Chora's Den, surrounded by dancers.

"My, this is a nice, family-friendly diner. Look, there's even a Jenkins over there!" Marrk pointed out.

"That's Harkin."

"JENKIIIIINS!" Marrk screamed. Harkin looked up, wanting to see who was screaming in the bar.

"See? He responded, it has to be Jenkins."

"Marrk, don't do anything stu-"

"TIME TO DIE, JENKINS!" Marrk cried, pulling out his pistol. He fired several shots, all of them missing and killing Fist's guards.

"Attack middle lane!" Wrex ordered, charging for Fist's office. Marrk started shooting the dancers and guests.

"Wait, I'm still farming!"

Marrk's gun overheated.

"Out of mana!"

"Doesn't matter, push middle lane!" Wrex commanded, incinerating an enemy with his shotgun. Marrk ran ahead, slapping people with his overheated gun. On his way by a crate, Marrk grabbed a bottle of alcohol and drank some, pouring the rest on his gun. Wrex ran toward the door leading to Fist and then punched through the wall next to it.

"Fists in the air!" Wrex declared, aiming his shotgun at Fist. Fist jumped just as Marrk fired at his head, hitting him in the gut instead. Fist fell backwards, coughing up blood.

"No, wait, please don't kill me, I'll tell you where the Quarian is!" Fist pleaded. Wrex and Marrk looked at each other.

"The who?"

"The one with the info on Saren? That's what you're here for, right?"

A gear clicked in Marrk's head.

"Yes! We are indeed. Absolutely correct. Give me the information about the Carrion."

"You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?"

Marrk pointed his gun at him.

"Shepard, what are you doing, we don't need this information!" Garrus exclaimed.

"Yeah we do! We need to avenge the Nihilist!"

"Why are we avenging a nihilist? He's happy where he is," Wrex interrupted.

"Wrex! That's very offensive! They're never happy! Unless they're an anti-nihilist, and quite honestly, those guys are just confusing. Not the point! Give me the info!" Marrk repeated, pressing the gun into Fist's cheek.

"Alright, alright! She's in the alleyway near-"

Marrk pulled the trigger, exploding Fist's head over the ground.

"Goddammit, Shepard, he didn't tell us the full location!" Garrus scolded.

"Oh, come on, this is a video game, just check your mini-map, it'll show us."  
They just stared at him.

"Oh come on, I'll show you the way…" Marrk groaned, leading the way out. Wrex and Garrus followed close behind.

"As a man who needs to frequently punch walls in order to get where he needs to be, I'll be the first one to say that you can't just _know_ where to go based off of an imaginary-"

"Look, there she is," Shepard pointed at Tali. Wrex was silent for a few beats.

"Huh," Wrex said. Marrk ran in and shot everyone surrounding Tali. He did a twirl in the air before landing in front of Tali.

"Greetings, m'lady! Are you alright, fair maiden? Hath thee harmed thyself?" is what the fake Marrk Shepard that Tali imagined said. What he actually said was:

"Ow! Damn, I think I sprained my ankle… I knew I shouldn't have tried that twirl…"

"You… you saved me…" Tali murmured.

"Yeah yeah, whatever. Garrus! Can you give my ankle a kiss to make it better?"

Garrus sighed. "No."

"But you said you would!"

"No I didn't, I said I would _shoot_ your ankle off if you didn't stop following me!"

Tali leaped forward and embraced Marrk.

"My hero!"

"Nah, I don't like Mahiro that much. Not much of a Buso Renkin guy at all. Mostly into Neon Genesis Evangelion."

"Even better!" Tali squealed, hugging Marrk harder, making him cough up blood as the sick wet snapping noise of breaking ribs filled the air. Garrus came forward and separated the two with his herculean strength.

"Alright, how about you just give us the information we need on Saren before this turns into Mortal Kombat," Garrus said after an exasperated sigh.

"I... like that plan…" Marrk whispered from the ground.

"Information on Saren? Who's that?"

"You know, the rogue Spectre?"

Tali gave him a blank stare.

"Cyborg parts?"

Tali gave him a blanker stare.

"Overall evil vibe coming from him?"

Tali gave him the blankerest stare.

"Works with the… Evas?"

Staaaaaarrrrre.

"Talks like Tommy Wise-"

"Ohh! Him! I love him! I did an interview on him and he said some stuff about Evangelion…"

"Perfect! We need that interview tape, the whole universe is at stake!"

"...I'll give it to you on one condition."

Garrus was quiet for a beat.

"...Okaaaay. What is it?"

"Take me with you!" Tali shouted, lunging past Garrus to Shepard, hugging him again.

"No, please! I still need my chest cavity!" Marrk wheezed out.

"Wait, why?" Garrus asked, ignoring Shepard's pleas for mercy.

" _No one_ knows what Anime even is out here!" Tali shrieked.

"What what is?"

"Anime. Well, manga too, but..."

"You're just making up words now."

"Exactly! Please, this is the closest I've felt with anyone in years!" Tali pleaded.

Garrus thought about it. He then saw Marrk's face twisting and contorting as his lungs were being flattened into pancakes.

"Deal. Let's take this info to the Council."

* * *

Shepard ran into Udina's office and threw the videotape at him while he was sitting at his desk.

"You wanted proof, _there_ 's your goddamn stinking damn dirty vile horrible perspiring-"

"Okay, I get it, you have proof, that's enough. What exactly do you have for me?" Udina interrupted, holding up his hand.

"It's a tape that links Saren to the Geth!" Marrk announced proudly.

"Excellent, why haven't you taken it to the council yet?" Udina asked. Marrk stood there for a second.

"Is Anderson around here?"

"No. Take it to the Council."

"Fiinnnne." Marrk groaned, leaving the way he came. Anderson got up from behind Udina's desk.

"Thank god," Anderson sighed as he dusted himself off. Then, Marrk walked back into the room.

"But you'll tell me if you see him, right?"

Anderson froze. Udina pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Goddammit…" Udina sighed, looking up at Marrk. Marrk just stared at him.

"Right?" Marrk re-asked. Udina looked around in confusion and then looked back to Shepard.

"Err… yes."

Marrk was as silent and as still as a statue.

"Okay, thanks, bye," Marrk replied, walking back out. Udina and Anderson stared at the door for a few minutes.

"What the hell did we just send to the Council Chamber rooms?"

"Who cares, he's the Council's problem now."

"Hold on… did Nihlus ever retract that Spectre Recommendation?"

The two looked at each other.

"Shit shit SHIT!" Anderson cried as he ran for the door.

"Doors locked!"

"How?"

"I DON'T KNOW!"

* * *

The videotape was playing on the loudspeakers of the Council Room.

"Sou, aye liek Nain Gebesisi Evanjelione. Eez fahn, even tang endings. Fuyutski eez vely loyal - he mey favrit cahairactor," Saren said on the tape. Shepard paused the recording.

"This is your proof, Council! Who's favorite character is Fuyutsuki? NO ONE'S favorite character is Fuyutsuki!"

"Shepard, this proves nothing."

"But wait! There's more! Just listen to this next part!"

"Athur amine? Eye ahlso liiike mmmmmmmm Daemon Kang Damnyou."

Marrk paused the recording.

"Irrefutable proof!" Marrk shouted, slamming his hand on the railing.

"This…. is worrying, but it still doesn't connect him to the Geth."

Shepard pressed the play button.

"Aih ohlsu liuk the Evaaahs. Rehmeind of Geeeth. Geth arr frend, naht feud."

"Hmmm… this warrants investigation, but in the end, it still doesn't prove-"

"Also, I'm evil," Shepard said in a falsetto voice trying to imitate Saren out of the side of his mouth. The Turian council stood up.

"My god, we've been blind this entire time! Saren is evil and must be stopped! Marrk, _you_ must be the one to stop him! Based on Nihlus' recommendation, it seems far past time that we make you a Spectre! Do you accept?"

"Boy, do I!" Marrk jumped happily, clapping his feet.

"Right, you're a Spectre now. Get out," the Turian Councilor sighed, taking a long drink of Ryncol. Marrk turned around and jumped happily, raising his arms. A crowd rushed in and picked him up.

"YO, ADRIAN- I MEAN JENKINS! I DID IT!" he screamed as he was carried off by the crowd. Tali rushed into the crowd and grabbed onto Marrk again.

"Gah! Why do you want to kill me!?" Marrk coughed. Garrus grabbed the nearest bottle of alcohol and began chugging it. And Wrex laughed.

* * *

Anderson and Udina jumped into the Council Room.

"Are we too late?" Anderson inquired desperately, looking around the room. The crowd carrying Marrk passed.

"IN YOUR FACE, JENKINS! I'M HUMANITY'S FIRST GHOST! SPACE WHALE, HERE I COME!" Marrk was proclaiming. They were shocked into silence. It wasn't until the entire crowd of people, all the bystanders, the Council and Shepard's crew had cleared out that either one of them spoke.

"We've doomed the universe," Anderson lamented. Udina nodded. They stood in silence for a few more minutes, letting what just happened sink in. Just then, the Normandy flew by. Something fell off it's bumper. Jenkin's body fell through the window and landed at their feet. They stared at it.

"Well, I'm going to go kill myself now," Anderson decided, turning and leaving.

"Right behind you," Udina followed.


End file.
